Swordfish opens with a close-up of John Travolta making an ironic speech about how awful Hollywood movies are these days. He turns his attention to Dog Day Afternoon, and about how if it were remade to his specifications, the robbers would get away by killing hostages willy nilly. This insight becomes all the more terrifying when moments later, it is revealed that Travolta's character, Gabriel Shear, is indeed at the center of a hostage situation, and there is no way he plans to muck it up like the protagonists of Afternoon.

His speech also serves as a warning to all the evil film critics in the audience that they are in for exactly the kind of anti-intellectual, bombastic Hollywood films Shear described. Swordfish is 100 minutes of explosions, guns, cars, computers, and bimbos. It is sleek, loud, and has a fast paced plot that is pure silliness. The irony, of course, is that movie audiences can't get enough of this kind of pap, and Swordfish's director, Dominic Sena (Gone in 60 Seconds), has no qualms about providing it.

After his opening dialogue, Travolta returns to the bank where his squad of mercenaries is holding the hostages. The most unfortunate hostage loses her life to an explosion filmed with more obsessive attention to detail than some of the finest love scenes in movie history. Truly, Gabriel Shear is not a man to be taken lightly, as he has a HUGE effects budget at his disposal.

Gabriel Shear is repeatedly described as the most cunning, resourceful and connected men in the world - a man that cannot be refused. So, when Ginger (Halle Berry) arrives at the doorstep of Stanley Jobson (Hugh Jackman) and informs him that his famous hacking abilities intrigue Shear, several sexual innuendoes later, he breaks his parole right then and there, headed to Los Angeles.

Stanley, we learn, is a highly principled computer hacker who has spent the last two years in prison. His crime was hacking into the FBI's computers and disabling a program that let the agents read the American public's email. Two years seems awfully steep for a man who set back the FBI's ability to buy Herbal Viagra online, and tragically, it also cost him custody of his daughter. To get her back, Stanley is willing to do anything, and once he arrives at Shear's headquarters, he is asked to pull off the greatest hacker feat of all time - infiltrating the DEA's computer and stealing $9.5 billion dollars.

Do not ask why the DEA has $9.5 billion dollars sitting in a single bank account, untouched for 15 years. Do not ponder why the government does not use, let alone monitor this money. Swordfish is not an arena for logic. Instead, consider how handsome Hugh Jackman is - how he seems constantly, adorably put off by everything around him. Compare John Travolta's performance with his comeback-making turn in Pulp Fiction. Keep your eyes peeled for Halle Berry's topless scene, which, although it does not advance the plot in any way, was rumored to cost the film's producers half a million dollars.

Most importantly, admire the cars, the guns, the explosions. See how lovingly choreographed the car chases are. Watch as Sena tries to make a scene with Stanley frantically typing at a computer exciting by adding oral sex and a gun to his head. Okay, this doesn't work- working at a computer is ALWAYS boring - but most of it does.

No one is going to walk into Swordfish expecting to be moved or intellectually stimulated. Due to the unfortunate title, some poor souls might be expecting to see actual fish, but that's a remote possibility. The film is 100% brainless summer entertainment. It is loud, fast, and totally painless. Swordfish may be typical Hollywood junk food, but it is exactly what the public loves to consume.

Photo copyright: Warner Bros Pictures.